I keep having these dreams

in which I talk to you

interact with you

touch you

and they feel real: not real enough to make me believe anything, but real enough to make me miss you more

But He is Good

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could 
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

(Kendall Payne)

I Never Said I was Brave

You might sleep, but you'll never dream
Onward, Progress or so it seems
You might laugh, but you'll never smile
Come on in and waste away a while
My stomach swears there's comfort there
In the warmth, in the blankets, on your bed
My stomach's always been a liar
I believe it lies again(again)
No use in saying how im sorry 
So I'm trying not to speak
I'll sing in silence, as I lay beside you
My face against, against your cheek

When dreams of rings of flowers fade and blur
Giving way to that familiar ill
Come over, come over, where I'm waiting
No use in saying how I'm sorry
So I'm trying not to speak
Sing in silence, as I lay beside you
My face against, against your cheek

You're used to saying
(If you'd unlatch the window)
How I'm sorry
(If you'd let me)
So I am trying not to speak
(If you'd give me another chance)
I'll sing in silence
(If you'd forget that pain)
As I lay beside you
(If you'd unlatch the window)
My face against, against your cheek
(If you'd let me lay there on your floor) 

(mewithoutYou)

Feel

I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure.

I love this quote from Chariots of Fire.

Really makes me think what is it that I do that when I do it, I feel God's pleasure?

Off the top of my head, I can't really think of anything. I can feel my own pleasure, but is that the same difference? I believe God takes joy in our joy.

The only thing that I feel I can say I feel an intense otherworldly joy is by encouraging people. I love the SOS Encouragement Box. I believe one should exist for every class period at school. I love sending people encouragement through emails or even facebook messages. I feel a very frightening joy from that because while I do it, I know I do it because I feel a very profound sadness that I am trying to counter. The strong and confident don't need encouragement. THe weak, broken and struggling definitely do. It is necessary and I'm glad to do it. Eager. 

On my Bones

What these years have brought me 
What these years have taught me 
Heartache and fame, a chance to change 
A hope to be stronger 
That beauty can smolder 
A stage and a curtain, that nothing's for certain 
Oh these years have been hard on my bones

What this world has brought me 
What this world has taught me 
Senseless spinning, never tie instead of winning 
Ice cream for licking, the clock's always ticking 
No one is free, someone must have a key 
Oh this world has been hard on my bones 
All this time I'd been seeking my own 
Oh this road has been hard on my bones

What this love has brought me 
What this love has taught me 
Patience in battle, who's in the saddle 
Joy and despair, that I really do care 
Uncertain desire the risk in going higher 
Oh this love has been hard on my bones

What this God has brought me 
What this God has taught me 
Passion and grace, how to stand in one's space 
Laughing at lilies, what truly fulfills me 
Death on a cross, it was I that was lost 
Oh this God has been life to these bones 
Oh this God has been life to my bones

(Kendall Payne)

No but really

I ache to the bone and not just from standing on my feet for the past two weeks.

God, could I ever focus?

Patience in battle. That is what I need dear Lord, more than anything

Listen

I've realized in the past two days that what I have missed most this summer is the sound of children singing to their God. It is probably my most favorite sound in the world. I didn't realize this simply doing worship with SOS. It wasn't until all the students were here and we sang that I was reminded that unified voices, loud and unashamed, fills my head with beautiful feelings. It's not happiness per-say, and it doesn't give me holy goosebumps or make my heart swell, but there is a rightness to it that I feel was missing all summer long.

I have missed the sound of worship. I have heard it in church the few times I've gone but the quiet voices of self-conscious thirty/forty-somethings singing at a stage cannot compare to the beauty of overgrown children raising their voices.

I've missed the loud Spanish songs sung by the groundskeepers at school.

I've missed the mashed potatoes and cookies in the Caf.

I've missed the smell of the waffle cone batter.

As I make this list, I realize I haven't missed much else

Sure, I love the community and the late nights sewing in the 99s and sitting on the caf porch for hours with coffee after coffee and Gnome Night at Nine on Nemsdays

But at the same time

I have known all of this was temporary

so I've been prepared to let it go without much anxiety, if any

For now

I look forward to my new world

with the sounds of trains at night 

[to remind me that there are places that aren't {here} ]

the company and Dunkin Donuts coffee on the back porch

the cat and the rat

the kitsch upon kitsch upon kitsch

the anticipation of nurturing love

perhaps temporary, albeit necessary

Joined

Tonight

I came home after the last SOS skit practice to the arms of Sarah, the final roommate, her clock, her credenza, her art magazine, her clothing mixing with mine and Lexi's on the floor, her dinnerware, her leather purses.

Then joined by Tay Rae

Then joined by Beau and Caleb

Then many others until I was a little overwhelmed. The house is quiet now but I feel noisy inside. Too much to think about.

Not just SOS!:

but the anxiety of this year (I think talking with Jake so much today made this worse just because he is part of that stressful world though I love his fire and his spirit--it's still guilty association, sorry Jake.)

and not just the anxiety of this next year, but Lord in heaven, Kyle's script and the Biola film buzz in my head. The characters visit me at odd times like ghosts that come in through the walls and sit in stillness on the furniture. I can't make them leave except when SOS demands much more attention. I told Tay. I told Jake. It looks like I am pitching this thing. I can't back out now. I hope to hopes I get this job. I hope Kyle reads the Bell Jar like I asked him to. I kinda miss that kid. I don't miss summer. I definitely miss Jenny and Liz.

Home

Today

After so many long

long

long

long

LOOOOOOONG

days of SOS training/bonding/practicing

I came home to find all of my roommates (minus Sunderee)

us together for the first time since we moved in

and it was amazing

then I went back to BIOLA for more SOS

She said 'yes'

Today

I was awoken from my nap

by a text from Nathan, my wonderful friend from the film program

saying that he had proposed to Anna 

and she had said 'yes'

there was a picture with it that didn't download

but it didn't matter

I was only one of five people who got the picture text

and I was reminded not only of how much I miss Nathan and Anna but how much I love them as my friends.

Last March Nathan was available to make me smile when I felt so distraught

and it was the first time I had really laughed in days

I thanked him

and he reminded me that he was always there for me, no matter what

and I reminded him that it was the same from my end

It is so good to have friends who have seen you at your worst and your best

and are behind you 100%

God bless Nate and Anns. I hope they have a beautiful life together, do well in Hollywood next year and have tons of beautiful kids.

The Lord's Prayer

My Father, Baba

You are so beautiful

so strong. Thank You for Your love which I cherish more than anything.

Your will be done in my life, in this house, in our home

At school, just You plan it, may I have peace with it

Please provide for us all we need, though not what we want

What we want is so silly

Make me have the sobriety to realize the difference

I would ask You to forgive my mess, but You already have

Encourage me to remain good

To read with You

To take bread and wine and love and Forgiveness

Make it real

remind me to forgive myself

and have forgiveness for everyone else

Like Frau Koeller always said, keep us safe from the evil and violence of the world

You are mine

And I am Yours

Forever

Amen

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

and to take Him at His word

And to rest upon His promise

and to know 'Thus said the Lord'!

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

how I've prove You or and or!

Jesus, Jesus PRECIOUS JESUS

O but Grace to trust You more!

I have a lot of stress

but it is not the kind of stress that makes me panicky. I feel okay. Probably because I know that the stress will be over once the house stuff is figured out and SOS is over with and school is in swing for a week. I know stress will find me again, but for now I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel which is shining a few yards from my fingertips.

if the birds and flowers survive, then I'll be okay too, ya know?

I have some anxiety about school.

I have decided to pitch a script for the Fall Biola Film. I didn't plan on doing this. It just happened. I read the three scripts that are up for pitchin' (Lisa sent them to everyone to get people to apply). One thing led to another and before I really have time to process, I sent in my app and now I am working on a killer pitch through which I need to communicate how much I believe in this story.

Today

Kyle and I met to discuss the script, rewrites, visions, color palettes, the score. He was very encouraging which is what I think I really needed--someone to be like "I believe in you". When he asked how I wanted the film to look, I showed him some of my favorite paintings by Alyssa Monks. He was especially entranced by Welcome To. He said, not that he wasn't sure before, but now he was very sure that I would do a good job.

I needed to hear that. Because that was my worry. Not as much my worry now. And hopefully if Kyle can believe it, the whole preproduction class can too. Wish me luck. Pray a prayer.

Trashy Treasure

Lexi and I have a habit of finding really great stuff on the side of the road. Now my antique typing table is finally reunited with its better half.

Summer is the Time

It's almost over. I am sad.

Back in June, I would have never said that.

I came into this season so heartbroken. But Margaret is right. This blog is not in vain. There is photographic evidence. This summer has had its ups and downs, but it has been a good time.

Summer is the time for learning about yourself.

When Mandy left, she gave me some good things to think about. 

God wants nothing from me but to love me.

I need to have a little forgiveness for myself

and for everyone around me.

Summer is the time for learning about myself.

School learning is not here to distract me anymore

I am learning

that yes, I do need to have a little forgiveness for myself and for everyone else.

I am learning that is so much easier to say than do.

I am learning that I can be a mean, spiteful person and I do not like that

I am learning that I can do without the self-medication. I don't need it.

I am learning that there is strength in me I did not see before--and not that brute, bullheaded strength that I seem to use very well--but real strength. Strength to be honest. Strength to be vulnerable. Strength to be risky. 

I am learning that I am able to be at peace.

Tonight,

at long last, I felt it and I could blame it on the good company and coffee and music if I wanted, but I don't think that's it.

Yesterday

In church (yes, I went to church!) we took communion. I told God that I was thankful because He had honored my request at the beginning of the summer and had been patient with me. I can't change on my own, I reminded Him, but I know I can get over these hang ups. For now, please remind me to read with You often because I really believe that is part of the cure.

Summer is the time

to realize that you've been distracted

and adulterous

and silly

Summer is the time

to remember what it was that brought you here in the first place.

A Little Summer to be Had

Tonight

I took a walk to the Whittier Library to return my books/audiobooks/get exercise. 

The weather was such that it felt neither hot or cold. People were outside laughing and working in the dwindling sunlight. On the other side of the street I could see a little boy and his dad constructing a quaint little tree house.

I am reminded that there is still a little summer to be had.

Still

Today

I visited a website that made me feel as if I had intruded upon something sacred.

Dedicated to taking pictures of stillborn babies, the site is full of quiet disturbing images that make my breath catch in my lungs. It is so odd because unlike so many things, there is no wickedness connected to the gruesomeness of the subject matter.

This is just how things happen sometimes. Sometimes people die before they are born.

I do not want to open my heart to these things
I do not want to have to face my deep fears of losing a child.
I do not want to intrude on someone else's private sorrow.

But this is part of my research and it must be done. And as I said earlier, sometimes you have to see a lot of dark in order to recognize light.

This was my moment today--
Not because it was a small joy for which I was thankful
but because I am braving terrain untraveled. I went someplace I've never been before

and it will be a fair amount of effort to reenter.

Disturbed

Today

I was at work (which is at Biola on the McNally campus, Rood building, down the hall from Campus Safety field office.)

And in one of the classrooms between my office and campus safety, I could see people in uniforms, holding guns aimed at the opposite wall

And I was really disturbed

Biola--what are we doing?

Whole

Most of my friends go home to their families and bffs over the summer
I got one for two which isn't bad
but isn't good either

I miss my best friend
I feel so whole when she is here
and slightly, presistently lost when she's gone
Jeannette, no more Idaho, no more Arizona, no more Utah, no more distance

But for now, she is here and life is happy :)

Goldmine

Today/Tonight

I hung out with Lex again at her parents' place
While walking around post-dinner
We came across a goldmine of stuff on someone's curb
We took a set of drawers
two bookcases
and the most amazing collection of art books you could possibly imagine
We made out like bandits

Today it was confirmed that she is to room with Sarah and me in our new house
She is to come back to biola
fingers crossed and knees to the floor in prayer
hopefully, this will be an amazing year

Crash & Burn

Today

Dan and Rob survived a plane crash that killed their pilot. Had Rob been knocked unconscious, they would have died as well. But they are in the hospital in Nairobi, Kenya.

Dan with a broken collarbone

Rob with 6 stitches

Both with burns and cuts

The pilot left behind wife and children

The co-pilot badly injured and I do not know his current condition.

Dan and Rob are leaving Africa. They will not continue filming "Give a Damn?"

I have never screamed at God as much as I did today.

I screamed

and screamed

and screamed

I am so angry with you! I said again and again. I don't understand!

All of our hard work for the past year and a half

to be left unfinished

With the prayers of thousands of people

Still my boys were not kept safe.

God I just don't understand why you allow these things to happen

I don't get it

I don't want to believe it

My friends could have died!

They were making a film about poverty

I thought that's what You cared so much about so why wouldn't You bless them?

I cannot deal with it

Our documentary has cost someone their life

I just don't understand

http://twitter.com/giveadamndoc