This New Life

I love this new life.

This life of brothers and sisters.

of having people over for dinner

of cleaning and the satisfaction of cleaning

of naps in my stuffy room with the post-nap delirium and sweaty neck

Today

was such a mixed bag

a bad morning

a great night

we're in this together--and that's the best part

The Best Week

It really has been just that:

I am having the best week ever

Simultaneously

I receive a letter from Bethany wishing me warmly happiness in my new home and the Bushbabies (i.e. my household) receive my best friend Jeannette for two days. Jenny stayed with us, played with us, came into us socially and spiritually and emotionally. We went to school together we went to chapel together, we went to the brothers' house together for a little FHE, Zombie House style.

Today

Much anxiety over the Biola Film Pitch, resulting in victory. I am to direct Gilbertson's script. We could not be more excited. Huge, dorky grins, the sigh of relief and disbelief resulting from conquering what we considered impossible: the selling of a heavy, scary script.

High-5's all around

Hugs all around

"I'm proud of you"s from Kyle, from parents, from supporting friends, from my new crew

Meetings with Lisa right off the bat

Deliberations galore

Phone calls to make, potentials to investigate

Pizzas and pizookies to demolish

This is the beginning of something utterly frightening and invigorating. 

Bring it on, rewrites

bring it on.

I keep having these dreams

in which I talk to you

interact with you

touch you

and they feel real: not real enough to make me believe anything, but real enough to make me miss you more

But He is Good

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could 
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

(Kendall Payne)

I Never Said I was Brave

You might sleep, but you'll never dream
Onward, Progress or so it seems
You might laugh, but you'll never smile
Come on in and waste away a while
My stomach swears there's comfort there
In the warmth, in the blankets, on your bed
My stomach's always been a liar
I believe it lies again(again)
No use in saying how im sorry 
So I'm trying not to speak
I'll sing in silence, as I lay beside you
My face against, against your cheek

When dreams of rings of flowers fade and blur
Giving way to that familiar ill
Come over, come over, where I'm waiting
No use in saying how I'm sorry
So I'm trying not to speak
Sing in silence, as I lay beside you
My face against, against your cheek

You're used to saying
(If you'd unlatch the window)
How I'm sorry
(If you'd let me)
So I am trying not to speak
(If you'd give me another chance)
I'll sing in silence
(If you'd forget that pain)
As I lay beside you
(If you'd unlatch the window)
My face against, against your cheek
(If you'd let me lay there on your floor) 

(mewithoutYou)

Feel

I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure.

I love this quote from Chariots of Fire.

Really makes me think what is it that I do that when I do it, I feel God's pleasure?

Off the top of my head, I can't really think of anything. I can feel my own pleasure, but is that the same difference? I believe God takes joy in our joy.

The only thing that I feel I can say I feel an intense otherworldly joy is by encouraging people. I love the SOS Encouragement Box. I believe one should exist for every class period at school. I love sending people encouragement through emails or even facebook messages. I feel a very frightening joy from that because while I do it, I know I do it because I feel a very profound sadness that I am trying to counter. The strong and confident don't need encouragement. THe weak, broken and struggling definitely do. It is necessary and I'm glad to do it. Eager. 

On my Bones

What these years have brought me 
What these years have taught me 
Heartache and fame, a chance to change 
A hope to be stronger 
That beauty can smolder 
A stage and a curtain, that nothing's for certain 
Oh these years have been hard on my bones

What this world has brought me 
What this world has taught me 
Senseless spinning, never tie instead of winning 
Ice cream for licking, the clock's always ticking 
No one is free, someone must have a key 
Oh this world has been hard on my bones 
All this time I'd been seeking my own 
Oh this road has been hard on my bones

What this love has brought me 
What this love has taught me 
Patience in battle, who's in the saddle 
Joy and despair, that I really do care 
Uncertain desire the risk in going higher 
Oh this love has been hard on my bones

What this God has brought me 
What this God has taught me 
Passion and grace, how to stand in one's space 
Laughing at lilies, what truly fulfills me 
Death on a cross, it was I that was lost 
Oh this God has been life to these bones 
Oh this God has been life to my bones

(Kendall Payne)

No but really

I ache to the bone and not just from standing on my feet for the past two weeks.

God, could I ever focus?

Patience in battle. That is what I need dear Lord, more than anything