Small Joys

dessert

2009-11-28T23:00:00.000-08:00

Today

I had the deep NEED to go to F&E and get a dessert, but Lexi had to agree to eat it with me so I didn't feel like a total fatty.

I was staring at the bakery section when I was assaulted by one of those overly friendly people who just talk to you for no reason. And talk to you and talk to you and talk to you.

She wanted to tell me all about how store-bought pies don't have enough apples in them.

I told her that's why she should make her own

"Sorry but I'm not a cook," she replied.

I shrugged and went back to staring at the desserts. Tiramisu? Cupcakes? Cheesecake?

"But you're saying this as you look at prepared foods," she added.

I thought about slapping her. I simply grimaced.

She continued to tell me how her mother taught her about crust color and how that signifies a good pie from a bad one when looking at store-bought pies.

She even went so far as to make me hold the pie she was examining, to agree with her about how heavy it was.

Right as I was about to snap this woman's neck, I realized that she was wearing a soft foam neck brace. Someone else earlier this week had already done it for me. Apparently she did not learn her lesson and was continuing to talk off the ears of perfect strangers. So as to not force this woman to wear one of these, I walked away, lurking in the pasta aisle until it was safe to get a dessert.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T13:51:00.000-08:00

It wasn't much quieter, but it was still odd. We haven't had a Thanksgiving that was just the four of us in a long time, not since the one year Jim was at the Willistons' (as he was this year) and Micah was still dating Bri and grandparents weren't expected for another three weeks. What I've noticed about my family is that we are very loud and when relatives from back East aren't over, we are not thinking about being on our best behavior.

Dad: so you missed a lot of great lines when you went to bed, hon. [referring to that horrendous movie we watched]
Mom: yeah? did they say "vagina" again?
Micah: ew, Mom, we're at the table, com'on.
Mom: I'm just saying!
Me: no, but they uh--
Micah: said much more colorful things
Me: yeah. that's a nice way to say it.
Mom: hmmmm.
Micah: I can't believe you said vagina at the table. It's Thanksgiving.
Mom: Well, if company were here, I wouldn't have, I'm just saying.
My dad shakes his head, smiling at his plate.

The day was great. Surreal even. We just hung out the four of us like our life used to be before anyone went to college. Before Micah was able to escape to Bet's house however, we ad to take a family picture for Christmas cards. Now, Mom decided to go back on her word because she had not put any makeup on. I raised my voice in protest. But it turns out that I'm the only one who read her email about taking a portrait. The men were completely oblivious.

Me: "For goodness sakes! You tell me to bring an extra shirt in case we don't match SO I DID. AND! I rolled out of bed at 11:39 and you said we'd eat at noon and I felt so bad cuz I was running late so I didn't even feed the cat! or eat breakfast cuz I had wanted to come over early to help but since I knew we were taking a family picture, I put my makeup on and did my hair and dressed nice and brought an extra shirt, like I said, and I was late, and now you're telling me that we're not going to take a picture after all?!"

My monologue inspired action. I wish I could have video recorded the proceedings. Dad, the director, sets up the shot, has me hold the white balance card, sets the timer, positions us on our marks and instructs us to look like we're coming in the door. He assures us there is a story to it and positions us slightly different each time telling me to stand in front and just turn on my "photogenia"

Me: my what?
Micah: "Photogenia"? Sounds like a link I can click on the internet.
Mom: what?
It's too late, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying
Me, through tears: hold on, take 5.
Dad: oh man. we were SO close! Micah!
Micah: I'm just saying!
Mom: I don't get it. Is that from that movie?
I get back in position in time for Micah to be attempting suicide via the light switch.
Dad: ok, one more. Last one.
Micah, quietly: it better be
Mom: did you just say BITE ME?
Me: mom! watch your language.
Micah: balls
Mom: I can't--!
Dad: penis!
I'm crying with mirth again
Mom: what was that for?
Me: are we starting a round of the penis game? In that case--PENIS!
Dad: ok, now that everybody's smiling....!
We smile until the double flash
Micah: i'm done. peace.

This New Life

2009-09-10T01:23:00.000-07:00

I love this new life.

This life of brothers and sisters.

of having people over for dinner

of cleaning and the satisfaction of cleaning

of naps in my stuffy room with the post-nap delirium and sweaty neck

Today

was such a mixed bag

a bad morning

a great night

we're in this together--and that's the best part

The Best Week

2009-09-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

It really has been just that:

I am having the best week ever

Simultaneously

I receive a letter from Bethany wishing me warmly happiness in my new home and the Bushbabies (i.e. my household) receive my best friend Jeannette for two days. Jenny stayed with us, played with us, came into us socially and spiritually and emotionally. We went to school together we went to chapel together, we went to the brothers' house together for a little FHE, Zombie House style.

Today

Much anxiety over the Biola Film Pitch, resulting in victory. I am to direct Gilbertson's script. We could not be more excited. Huge, dorky grins, the sigh of relief and disbelief resulting from conquering what we considered impossible: the selling of a heavy, scary script.

High-5's all around

Hugs all around

"I'm proud of you"s from Kyle, from parents, from supporting friends, from my new crew

Meetings with Lisa right off the bat

Deliberations galore

Phone calls to make, potentials to investigate

Pizzas and pizookies to demolish

This is the beginning of something utterly frightening and invigorating.

Bring it on, rewrites

bring it on.

I keep having these dreams

2009-08-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

in which I talk to you

interact with you

touch you

and they feel real: not real enough to make me believe anything, but real enough to make me miss you more

But He is Good

2009-08-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

(Kendall Payne)

I Never Said I was Brave

2009-08-29T01:04:00.001-07:00

You might sleep, but you'll never dream
Onward, Progress or so it seems
You might laugh, but you'll never smile
Come on in and waste away a while
My stomach swears there's comfort there
In the warmth, in the blankets, on your bed
My stomach's always been a liar
I believe it lies again(again)
No use in saying how im sorry
So I'm trying not to speak
I'll sing in silence, as I lay beside you
My face against, against your cheek

When dreams of rings of flowers fade and blur
Giving way to that familiar ill
Come over, come over, where I'm waiting
No use in saying how I'm sorry
So I'm trying not to speak
Sing in silence, as I lay beside you
My face against, against your cheek

You're used to saying
(If you'd unlatch the window)
How I'm sorry
(If you'd let me)
So I am trying not to speak
(If you'd give me another chance)
I'll sing in silence
(If you'd forget that pain)
As I lay beside you
(If you'd unlatch the window)
My face against, against your cheek
(If you'd let me lay there on your floor)

(mewithoutYou)

Feel

2009-08-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure.

I love this quote from Chariots of Fire.

Really makes me think what is it that I do that when I do it, I feel God's pleasure?

Off the top of my head, I can't really think of anything. I can feel my own pleasure, but is that the same difference? I believe God takes joy in our joy.

The only thing that I feel I can say I feel an intense otherworldly joy is by encouraging people. I love the SOS Encouragement Box. I believe one should exist for every class period at school. I love sending people encouragement through emails or even facebook messages. I feel a very frightening joy from that because while I do it, I know I do it because I feel a very profound sadness that I am trying to counter. The strong and confident don't need encouragement. THe weak, broken and struggling definitely do. It is necessary and I'm glad to do it. Eager.

On my Bones

2009-08-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

What these years have brought me
What these years have taught me
Heartache and fame, a chance to change
A hope to be stronger
That beauty can smolder
A stage and a curtain, that nothing's for certain
Oh these years have been hard on my bones

What this world has brought me
What this world has taught me
Senseless spinning, never tie instead of winning
Ice cream for licking, the clock's always ticking
No one is free, someone must have a key
Oh this world has been hard on my bones
All this time I'd been seeking my own
Oh this road has been hard on my bones

What this love has brought me
What this love has taught me
Patience in battle, who's in the saddle
Joy and despair, that I really do care
Uncertain desire the risk in going higher
Oh this love has been hard on my bones

What this God has brought me
What this God has taught me
Passion and grace, how to stand in one's space
Laughing at lilies, what truly fulfills me
Death on a cross, it was I that was lost
Oh this God has been life to these bones
Oh this God has been life to my bones

(Kendall Payne)

No but really

I ache to the bone and not just from standing on my feet for the past two weeks.

God, could I ever focus?

Patience in battle. That is what I need dear Lord, more than anything

Listen

2009-08-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've realized in the past two days that what I have missed most this summer is the sound of children singing to their God. It is probably my most favorite sound in the world. I didn't realize this simply doing worship with SOS. It wasn't until all the students were here and we sang that I was reminded that unified voices, loud and unashamed, fills my head with beautiful feelings. It's not happiness per-say, and it doesn't give me holy goosebumps or make my heart swell, but there is a rightness to it that I feel was missing all summer long.

I have missed the sound of worship. I have heard it in church the few times I've gone but the quiet voices of self-conscious thirty/forty-somethings singing at a stage cannot compare to the beauty of overgrown children raising their voices.

I've missed the loud Spanish songs sung by the groundskeepers at school.

I've missed the mashed potatoes and cookies in the Caf.

I've missed the smell of the waffle cone batter.

As I make this list, I realize I haven't missed much else

Sure, I love the community and the late nights sewing in the 99s and sitting on the caf porch for hours with coffee after coffee and Gnome Night at Nine on Nemsdays

But at the same time

I have known all of this was temporary

so I've been prepared to let it go without much anxiety, if any

For now

I look forward to my new world

with the sounds of trains at night

[to remind me that there are places that aren't {here} ]

the company and Dunkin Donuts coffee on the back porch

the cat and the rat

the kitsch upon kitsch upon kitsch

the anticipation of nurturing love

perhaps temporary, albeit necessary

Joined

2009-08-22T03:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight

I came home after the last SOS skit practice to the arms of Sarah, the final roommate, her clock, her credenza, her art magazine, her clothing mixing with mine and Lexi's on the floor, her dinnerware, her leather purses.

Then joined by Tay Rae

Then joined by Beau and Caleb

Then many others until I was a little overwhelmed. The house is quiet now but I feel noisy inside. Too much to think about.

Not just SOS!:

but the anxiety of this year (I think talking with Jake so much today made this worse just because he is part of that stressful world though I love his fire and his spirit--it's still guilty association, sorry Jake.)

and not just the anxiety of this next year, but Lord in heaven, Kyle's script and the Biola film buzz in my head. The characters visit me at odd times like ghosts that come in through the walls and sit in stillness on the furniture. I can't make them leave except when SOS demands much more attention. I told Tay. I told Jake. It looks like I am pitching this thing. I can't back out now. I hope to hopes I get this job. I hope Kyle reads the Bell Jar like I asked him to. I kinda miss that kid. I don't miss summer. I definitely miss Jenny and Liz.

Home

2009-08-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

Today

After so many long

long

LOOOOOOONG

days of SOS training/bonding/practicing

I came home to find all of my roommates (minus Sunderee)

us together for the first time since we moved in

and it was amazing

then I went back to BIOLA for more SOS

She said 'yes'

2009-08-14T22:23:00.001-07:00

Today

I was awoken from my nap

by a text from Nathan, my wonderful friend from the film program

saying that he had proposed to Anna

and she had said 'yes'

there was a picture with it that didn't download

but it didn't matter

I was only one of five people who got the picture text

and I was reminded not only of how much I miss Nathan and Anna but how much I love them as my friends.

Last March Nathan was available to make me smile when I felt so distraught

and it was the first time I had really laughed in days

I thanked him

and he reminded me that he was always there for me, no matter what

and I reminded him that it was the same from my end

It is so good to have friends who have seen you at your worst and your best

and are behind you 100%

God bless Nate and Anns. I hope they have a beautiful life together, do well in Hollywood next year and have tons of beautiful kids.

The Lord's Prayer

2009-08-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

My Father, Baba

You are so beautiful

so strong. Thank You for Your love which I cherish more than anything.

Your will be done in my life, in this house, in our home

At school, just You plan it, may I have peace with it

Please provide for us all we need, though not what we want

What we want is so silly

Make me have the sobriety to realize the difference

I would ask You to forgive my mess, but You already have

Encourage me to remain good

To read with You

To take bread and wine and love and Forgiveness

Make it real

remind me to forgive myself

and have forgiveness for everyone else

Like Frau Koeller always said, keep us safe from the evil and violence of the world

You are mine

And I am Yours

Forever

Amen

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

and to take Him at His word

And to rest upon His promise

and to know 'Thus said the Lord'!

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

how I've prove You or and or!

Jesus, Jesus PRECIOUS JESUS

O but Grace to trust You more!

I have a lot of stress

2009-08-12T22:41:00.001-07:00

but it is not the kind of stress that makes me panicky. I feel okay. Probably because I know that the stress will be over once the house stuff is figured out and SOS is over with and school is in swing for a week. I know stress will find me again, but for now I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel which is shining a few yards from my fingertips.

if the birds and flowers survive, then I'll be okay too, ya know?

I have some anxiety about school.

I have decided to pitch a script for the Fall Biola Film. I didn't plan on doing this. It just happened. I read the three scripts that are up for pitchin' (Lisa sent them to everyone to get people to apply). One thing led to another and before I really have time to process, I sent in my app and now I am working on a killer pitch through which I need to communicate how much I believe in this story.

Today

Kyle and I met to discuss the script, rewrites, visions, color palettes, the score. He was very encouraging which is what I think I really needed--someone to be like "I believe in you". When he asked how I wanted the film to look, I showed him some of my favorite paintings by Alyssa Monks. He was especially entranced by Welcome To. He said, not that he wasn't sure before, but now he was very sure that I would do a good job.

I needed to hear that. Because that was my worry. Not as much my worry now. And hopefully if Kyle can believe it, the whole preproduction class can too. Wish me luck. Pray a prayer.

Trashy Treasure

2009-08-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

Lexi and I have a habit of finding really great stuff on the side of the road. Now my antique typing table is finally reunited with its better half.

Summer is the Time

2009-08-11T00:57:00.000-07:00

It's almost over. I am sad.

Back in June, I would have never said that.

I came into this season so heartbroken. But Margaret is right. This blog is not in vain. There is photographic evidence. This summer has had its ups and downs, but it has been a good time.

Summer is the time for learning about yourself.

When Mandy left, she gave me some good things to think about.

God wants nothing from me but to love me.

I need to have a little forgiveness for myself

and for everyone around me.

Summer is the time for learning about myself.

School learning is not here to distract me anymore

I am learning

that yes, I do need to have a little forgiveness for myself and for everyone else.

I am learning that is so much easier to say than do.

I am learning that I can be a mean, spiteful person and I do not like that

I am learning that I can do without the self-medication. I don't need it.

I am learning that there is strength in me I did not see before--and not that brute, bullheaded strength that I seem to use very well--but real strength. Strength to be honest. Strength to be vulnerable. Strength to be risky.

I am learning that I am able to be at peace.

Tonight,

at long last, I felt it and I could blame it on the good company and coffee and music if I wanted, but I don't think that's it.

Yesterday

In church (yes, I went to church!) we took communion. I told God that I was thankful because He had honored my request at the beginning of the summer and had been patient with me. I can't change on my own, I reminded Him, but I know I can get over these hang ups. For now, please remind me to read with You often because I really believe that is part of the cure.

Summer is the time

to realize that you've been distracted

and adulterous

and silly

Summer is the time

to remember what it was that brought you here in the first place.

A Little Summer to be Had

2009-08-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight

I took a walk to the Whittier Library to return my books/audiobooks/get exercise.

The weather was such that it felt neither hot or cold. People were outside laughing and working in the dwindling sunlight. On the other side of the street I could see a little boy and his dad constructing a quaint little tree house.

I am reminded that there is still a little summer to be had.

Still

2009-08-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

Today

I visited a website that made me feel as if I had intruded upon something sacred.

Dedicated to taking pictures of stillborn babies, the site is full of quiet disturbing images that make my breath catch in my lungs. It is so odd because unlike so many things, there is no wickedness connected to the gruesomeness of the subject matter.

This is just how things happen sometimes. Sometimes people die before they are born.

I do not want to open my heart to these things
I do not want to have to face my deep fears of losing a child.
I do not want to intrude on someone else's private sorrow.

But this is part of my research and it must be done. And as I said earlier, sometimes you have to see a lot of dark in order to recognize light.

This was my moment today--
Not because it was a small joy for which I was thankful
but because I am braving terrain untraveled. I went someplace I've never been before

and it will be a fair amount of effort to reenter.

Disturbed

2009-08-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

Today

I was at work (which is at Biola on the McNally campus, Rood building, down the hall from Campus Safety field office.)

And in one of the classrooms between my office and campus safety, I could see people in uniforms, holding guns aimed at the opposite wall

And I was really disturbed

Biola--what are we doing?

Whole

2009-08-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Most of my friends go home to their families and bffs over the summer
I got one for two which isn't bad
but isn't good either

I miss my best friend
I feel so whole when she is here
and slightly, presistently lost when she's gone
Jeannette, no more Idaho, no more Arizona, no more Utah, no more distance

But for now, she is here and life is happy :)

Goldmine

2009-08-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

Today/Tonight

I hung out with Lex again at her parents' place
While walking around post-dinner
We came across a goldmine of stuff on someone's curb
We took a set of drawers
two bookcases
and the most amazing collection of art books you could possibly imagine
We made out like bandits

Today it was confirmed that she is to room with Sarah and me in our new house
She is to come back to biola
fingers crossed and knees to the floor in prayer
hopefully, this will be an amazing year

Crash & Burn

2009-08-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today

Dan and Rob survived a plane crash that killed their pilot. Had Rob been knocked unconscious, they would have died as well. But they are in the hospital in Nairobi, Kenya.

Dan with a broken collarbone

Rob with 6 stitches

Both with burns and cuts

The pilot left behind wife and children

The co-pilot badly injured and I do not know his current condition.

Dan and Rob are leaving Africa. They will not continue filming "Give a Damn?"

I have never screamed at God as much as I did today.

I screamed

and screamed

and screamed

I am so angry with you! I said again and again. I don't understand!

All of our hard work for the past year and a half

to be left unfinished

With the prayers of thousands of people

Still my boys were not kept safe.

God I just don't understand why you allow these things to happen

I don't get it

I don't want to believe it

My friends could have died!

They were making a film about poverty

I thought that's what You cared so much about so why wouldn't You bless them?

I cannot deal with it

Our documentary has cost someone their life

I just don't understand

http://twitter.com/giveadamndoc

Worth Holding Onto

2009-07-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

Last night

was what may have been the last of the family dinners at Wedgewood. We were saying good bye to Alex who is going back to NY to finish his last year at Syracuse. Go Orangemen. I brought the materials for making homemade ice cream and the two of us went shopping for dinner supplies

Beef stroganoff/Bishop's (Barker) Beans

Water in tumblers/misc forks and dishes

laughter/stress

spilling drinks on shorts and bare feet

homemade ice cream & fresh strawberries/juicy watermellon staining chins and countertops

french press dunkin decaf

romantic ballroom music from the hi-fi followed by the Peter Pan audio book LP (Alex gave gifts to the housemates which were more or less inside jokes that I won't attempt to explain here but I still wish you could have heard our roars of laughter when he presented Caleb with Moby Dick. I wish you could have seen Kyle's face when Alex handed him Peter Pan on vinyl)

new sponges acquired thanks to the squareback, but no dish soap still (boys, come on!)

--basically all the things that make up summers: food, music, laughter, stress, good byes: culminated into one place

The temporary family is breaking up, just as the ones before it have, but I'm more at peace with this fact now. I do not feel the need to cling to these guys even though I have enjoyed their company. Perhaps it is the wanderer in me. Perhaps I am jaded. Perhaps I am growing up.

On the downside,

Their company has reminded me that Kendall, my OBFOC (only best friend on campus), is not here.

And I miss him fiercely. My one-on-one times that I was able to spend with the boys at different points throughout the summer have come to their end. I realize that it salved my lack of Ken, my lack of Jeannette, my lack of Liz and Mandy. But temporarily so. Just as last year the lack of Jeannette was salved by the Mansa House. We do these things, I was saying to Caleb, as a form of survival. Humans were meant to be together, meant to form families and that's why we make these habitats, these temporary homes. (Yes, I'm an anthro major, get over it.) And it was the calm conversations with Kyle, the silly laughter with Caleb and the over-attentiveness of Alex that formed a Missing Kendall stew. Allah be praised: he comes back on Tuesday.

Lexi came over around 10 and helped me finish off the coffee. She fit in so easily with the boys there. It was good to have her. She crashed at my place because the next day, she was going to Biola to ask that they let her back in for the Fall. When she told me this the night before, my knees hit the carpet. I reminded God that I do this to show Him how serious I am and then I prayed. Lexi has good news, it's looking positive for Fall 09

We did not go to bed until 4 this morning, staying up, talking....

When Lex left biola at the end of Fall 08, we had dinner at the caf

Then I hugged her outside Horton

For what I believed would be the last time

But God is so faithful

-because I was wrong-

Lexi was part of one of those temporary families, one I tried to cling to but was like sand in my hands. We love each other still, these people, but it is not quite the same. Though with Lexi's comeback and especially our time last night, I realized something even greater:

that she is worth hanging onto.

Not that the Wedgewood boys aren't worth it

That's not what I mean at all

Alex, Caleb and Kyle have all given me wonderful, poignant things to ruminate on the past two months and it has been a joy to cook and bake and clean for them as well.

But there are some people who transcend the framework of habitat and Lexi is one of them.

Back in my life for a reason

If only back for a season

But Lexi, you are so worth holding onto

Of all the moments in this blog, the majority of them come from the men of Wedgewood and miss Lexi

Thank you boys for a good June/July. May your adventures to Syacuse, Alex, to Whittier or Missouri, Caleb, to South Africa or wherever, Kyle, bring you joy that goes without comparison and maturity beyond value.

Thank you Lexi for the past, present and future. I am goin to hang onto you.

It's Already Begun...

2009-07-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

The end of everything and the beginning of new things, that is.

I realized this crystal clear as I didn't after graduation--not even as after everyone went home for summer.

But yesterday I talked to an aquaintence from the film program, Caleb and though he is living in my brother house, he is no longer going to biola. He will be here. We will have get togethers at his house and our house, but he is gone in the sense of the film program. so odd. but Caleb, why move back? I thought about this quite a bit

& then even more so today because I took my lunch break in the biola caf and I realized that I would not enjoy the familiar meal community three/two times a day as I did the past two years.

I sat by the big window where Nate, Sam, Alyssa, Josh and sometimes Courtney, Beth and LB would sit every Monday and Wednesday Spring semester for lunch, pre Linguistics for Nate and me. This is how I met Sam and LB, my now housemate. This is how I was invited to Gnome Night at Nine. This is Nate and I hashed out our ethnographies and made jokes no one but anthro majors could possibly find funny.

But this scene will not be recreated this coming year. None of us are living on campus. I am saddened by this--intensified probably by the realization that people really are leaving. I have not had really close friends graduate yet but they will start this year with Kendall and Mandy and Nathan. Slowly but surely, we're diffusing. Moving off campus is just the beginning of it. Soon, college is over and we begin again.

But enough of being depressing

Here's to the end of summer. Here's the the beginning of a new, wonderful, challenging, frustrating, rewarding year. Here's to new adventures. Here's to living off campus. Here's to the beginning of the end

Evidence

2009-07-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

Today

As I was shaving my legs, I realized a couple things that made me happy.

First, there are these... I guess people call them spider veins?... on my calves in the fleshy part below my knees. I have them on both legs. They make me think of those coral that appear like brittle red fans. I like them. I know a lot of people want to get rid of them. Maybe they're ugly? To me, it's like having tattoos of coral fans, slightly faded, on each leg.

I have always sensed a special connection to the ocean, feeling very at home there, gliding in and out of the water like a giant snake, fighting the pounding pounding pounding waves, like some monk raking sand. I enjoy it, that pointless fight, So much so that I don't want a diamond on my engagement ring. I'd rather have a pearl, the gem of the sea. To me diamonds symbolize worry and pride but a pearl symbolizes freedom, power and the Kingdom of Heaven.

Second, as I was shaving my left thigh, I found a slight discoloration on the side, wrapping to the bottom of my leg. I tried to scrape it off with my fingernails but it didn't budge. Then I wondered if this was the evidence of the burn I received as a toddler when rolling around the floor of my grandparents' camper, I rolled into the space heater. My parents could never remember which leg it was I burned. Maybe this one is it, I wondered. And maybe this is the remnant of the burn.

I like my imperfections, some more than others, obviously. But it's the same reason I like peoples' crooked, child-like teeth, their deep-set eyes, their prominantly-bridged noses, their lopsided smiles, their multi-colored facial hair. I have spent my whole adolescent life studying the human form as a fine artist and now as a makeup artist. I am fascinated by the evidence of our genetic variations, our childhood accidents, our aging. We are such beautiful creatures.

The Open Road

2009-07-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

[photo by Mike Villa, Text by me]

This weekend has been wonderful & I have Kelsey, her family, MikeV, the random coffee baristas and kindly store owners to thank for that.

The open road stretches before me, quiet, unassuming. The rain falls softly. I open all the windows and sun roof, listening to a mixed CD of both my friends' and professional popular artists' music.
I am peaceful inside.

California (and the stress I left there (momentarily)) secretes from my skin along with the sweat. Lips are dry. Skin scrapes off in dirty particles like a pilling sweater. My makeup creases around my eyes, melts on my cheeks and forehead. Kelsey's mom does not approve. She tries to convert me.

So many adventures, too much excitement and wonder to really describe.
When there are so many "moments"--all I can do is make a list... though as detailed as I can convince myself to articulate!!!!

Photo shoots with Sisters Heng
(in the) 100+ degree heat
(but thank God!) Coffee (sometimes hot) three times a day.
--> At least one new coffee house a day: Dunkin Donuts, Lux, Copper Star
Then: Used record stores/weird stores/weird people/weird Kelsey/weird me
Punctuated by: Long drives=my slowly emptying head and heart
Once, twice: The empty, noisy Lightrail
Littered with: Candid photos
-->Kelsey playing camera peek-a-boo
The anarchist library/Orange/Joey the Anthro-film major/Mikey with the homemade tattoos, my instant friend
Pissing off the baristo at Copper Star

It goes by in a flash--but my mind is taking notes. I fall silent from time to time, my wheels whirling away, attempting to remember every detail, fill in every pixil. And then I'm back on the road, racing the sun Westward. The earth is pink, gray and tan until Cochella where green crops up again, the heat climbing to 112 F before dropping the other side of the chocolate-chip covered mountains. I love this world. I love the dry places: Anasazi Territory to Mojave Territory, the former Northern Mexico. I love the relentless sun, the beautiful sparkling asphalt and sand, the shrubbery that could be from the Austrailian Outback. As much as I want to leave this country, as much as I loved leaving the State, I can't deny-->I love this earth, this beautiful country. I love the places full of turqouise and sandstone of woven baskets and sweltering weather, sweaty thighs on cowhide, hair that doesn't stick to dry lips, night that just feels like darkened day.

The Downs

2009-07-19T23:29:00.001-07:00

[credit john carter]

Somedays, like today

the small joys, potent though they can be

do not even make a dent

in the great mountain

that is the disappointment the day can bring

I began this blog because I needed to convince myself

That though this summer has been full of disappointment

and Murphy's Law has wrought havoc on my life,

there are still sweet moments every day

that I can thank my Lord for

and rejoice in the wonder of existence

But sometimes I fail to convince myself and I am left with

all the things that the small joys are in effort to erase

The disappointment

The anger

The depression

The regret

The restlessness

The loneliness

Today

I told my dad that if things don't change,

I'm finding somewhere else to live for the rest of the summer

Please pray for me

Things have been very hard for a long time

and all the quiet things

are becoming deafening

I am exhausted.

My energies are spent.

Do Not Send

2009-07-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

This morning

I found the best label ever
After a week of putting over 23,500 labels of biola alum addresses on postcards,
this was a much-needed laugh

Love and Carbs

2009-07-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

And then somedays

or some nights, rather

There is so much goodness that it eclipses everything else that happened during the day. They are not so much "moments" but a time that seems suspended and sustained for hours until you look at the clock and discover it's 2:30 am and you need to get home stat.

You sleep only 3.5 hours that night, but no matter.

Ashley made killer food: chunky salsa, homemade enchiladas, like mommy's. Dinner served at 10:30 pm, but no matter.

Int'l DJ supreme Leo Su, Josiah, John Lawver, Thomas, Sean McC, Kyle Gilbz and President Caleb Pyles

Good company, lots of carbs, a night to cherish.

You are here. This is now.

You've loved these boys a long time, some longer than others and Ashley is always such a joy not to mention a phenomenal cook.

Long philosophical and spiritual nourishment with John

Fooling around with Josiah

Singing with Thomas

Generally harassing Kyle

Hearing Leo's stories of adventure

Long live summer

May you never cease to bring small, unexpected joys

Look at this Hipster!

2009-07-14T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today

Bethany was telling me about her human sexuality class

and how she just got past the chapter on transgender and how this text book has shown her things she has never desired to witness. When I asked her about what the chapter even discussed, it was along the lines of what would interest me: basically the psychology behind it.

Then I checked my latest addiction: latfh.com

and discovered this:

http://www.latfh.com/post/141552471/two-or-three-more-coronas-and-ill-show-you-boys

I laughed so hard I cried.

All Bet could say was "ohhh no".

Royal Pain

2009-07-12T21:22:00.001-07:00

My brother Micah

Tends to be a little mouthy.

I could tell he was annoying the living goodness out of Mom today.

My mom, who does not cuss very much

(especially since she will be mocked for it years and years after the fact by Micah and myself)

finally called him

"a pain in the aspergers".

HAHAHAHAHA

So good.

The lounge

2009-07-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

For years

There is a house on Santa Gertrudes that has a wall facing the street.

On this wall is some kind of platform with a patio set

That I have never seen anyone sitting at

Until today

When I spotted a man reading a book, lounged out on that patio set

What a victorious day.

I wish I could have stopped the car and talked to him

Love and Old Age

2009-07-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, like today

The "moment" of the day does not hit you with force
It sneaks up on you and embraces you from behind and you are filled with peace.

When I first started this blog, I thought I'd only write down the "moments" that made me laugh until I cried because the combination of those two things is just so great. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.

I have been thinking a lot about old, worn-in love. At DT Disney yesterday, Hannah and I pointed out a lot of it to each other. There is something so great about being old, worn-out, wrinkly, saggy and kinda fat (or just fat) and holding hands with some other old broken down human being that you just enjoy the company of so fiercely.

Today in Whittier I followed around a couple a little while before I felt the nudge of the "moment", soft and peaceful, point out to me, "you in 25 years":

A woman, rotund and weathered, with short hair pulled back from her face,
a bright auburn that must have been chemically enhanced,
wearing a flowing brown skirt, leather sandals and silver bangles
Linked her first two fingers with the last two fingers of a taller man
whose long dirty blond hair was pulled back into a loose, sloppy bun
his face a beautiful explosion of sea-battered leathery skin
and graying whiskers
Their freckled and sagging arms swinging slightly

That's right
You thought I wasn't a romantic person
And neither did I
But luckily, I am young, and there's still time to reinvent
Before I get old, wrinkly, saggy, kinda fat and set in my ways

The Moped Gang

2009-07-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight

on our way home from Downtown Disney (another Daddy date with me, dr. roberts and the pops)

we waited at the light to turn from Auto Center onto Beach Blvd.

and a fleet of jacket-flaunting

tassel-whipping

moped-riding

gang members

flooded the intersection before our very eyes

I have never seen a moped gang before

It changed my life

Goddess Dress

2009-07-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

All the boys
said they liked my new dress
and that I looked pretty

Some Days

2009-07-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

Love the moment,

and the energy of the moment

will spread

beyond all boundaries.

- Corita Kent

Some days

Like, today

I don't have what we call "a moment". I don't like these days because I feel slightly gypped, like the day was a waste. If I see the boys (I mean the Wedgewood house) after a few days of not having a moment, it's hard cuz we usually have a time of the evening we share our most recent moments and I wish I could contribute.

These kind of days teach me patience

they teach me to enjoy others' moments as if they were my own

and to savor my moments for days on end

and to reread my blog to remember that time-honored saying:

life is still sweet

Pacifist

2009-07-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

Steve Gilbertson

Born 1960

Is a pastor

and also a pacifist

My faith in humanity has been restored.

Desert Rain

2009-07-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

This morning

Barely even today because it was just barely past midnight

we were on the 10E, en route to Cave Creek

We had been watching lightening on the horizon for hours

And it began to rain

Pour, as a matter of fact

It was gorgeous, fat desert rain

And the whole world smelled of wet earth

and sweaty gym socks

I wasn't driving so I got to gawk as awkwardly as I wanted out the windshield

Good Morning Arizona.

Good morning

2009-07-03T05:33:00.000-07:00

Today, just now, this morning

I got a really long Facebook post from Jeannette that made me cry.

Sometimes I forget and I'm so sorry that I do.

Sometimes I want to forget and that

is also regrettable.

But it goes to show that I still appreciate things that are said over the internet. The fact that I was told in a really indirect and passive way does not change the fact that Jeannette's words (and in previous entries: Beth's, Liz's and Lexi's) had a profound impact on my days.

Jenny, I love you too.

Old

2009-07-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today

at a red light on Santa Gertrudes and Imperial, I watched two insanely old men in the car next to mine, one of them with really long hair and beard and the other with no hair on his head to speak of, apply hand ointment.

I was not sure if this was going to be today's "moment", but nothing better happened. and this was pretty good.

Rude

2009-07-01T21:53:00.001-07:00

Beth Joy Cissel is a rude girl.

Maybe because our numbers are so few, I get overly giddy about this sort of thing. But seriously now: ska is the best music ever. ever.

Beth-cee, we will, and I repeat will, skank it up when you return to SoCal

VW Van

2009-06-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

Today

On my way to the boys' house, a VW van turned right at Imperial and Idaho. The man driving it had the hugest grizzly white beard/mustache I have ever seen and to match, he had stuffed palm fronds into either side of the spare tire on front so it looked like his van had a huge mustache as well. I love people.

Beautiful

2009-06-29T02:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight, or rather, this very early morning

I checked my facebook one last time and saw that Lexi had left me a wall post that said simply:

you are beautiful

I don't think she could possibly understand how much I needed to hear that. I have felt very ugly for a long time.

It's amazing that in an age of communicating via internet and text messages, things can still be powerful, as these last three entries have demonstrated. Lexi tells me I am beautiful almost every time I see her. I guess I forgot recently. Thanks Lexi, you are one of the most beautiful people I know.

Never

2009-06-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight

I was reminded of how woven God is inside all of us, whether we like it or want it or neither.

Liz promises to never give up on me. The thing with Liz is that she keeps promises more often than other people I know. If she doesn't mean it, she doesn't say it.

I am so thankful for this reminder. God holds us without hands and speaks to us without sounds.

If you won't give up on me

then I won't give up on you

Beth C

2009-06-26T21:43:00.001-07:00

Tonight

Beth C told me I have been in her thoughts and prayers a lot recently. That just floored me. But I realize the amazing fact that I am loved even when I find it hard to love myself. Mandy is right.

Voice

2009-06-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight

About to leave the boys' house around midnight when I hear music. I stop and listen. Kyle is playing guitar and singing in his room. It's absolutely beautiful. The kind of music I would drift off to sleep to. I listen for about an hour before finally going home.

Liz

2009-06-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today

I saw Liz.

Veronica

2009-06-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

Today was really hard and long and exhausting

but I got to see Veronica at the National Mall of all places.

Yes <3

The Metro

2009-06-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today I was in Washington D.C.

We were taking the metro to the convention center and a girl got on after us. She was knock out pretty. Her face lit up when she saw the guy who was standing next to my bench. They began an animated conversation. I could tell they did not know each other beyond seeing each other on the train every other morning. They didn't even know each others' names. they were train lovers.

The Metro is amazing

Song Writing

2009-06-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today while waiting for my family who was late meeting me for lunch

I wrote a song:

Convictions lead to bad decisions

and though I have no regrets

I still hope that you are listening to me

Consequences bear their reminders

Like scars upon my skin

I am here and you are listening to a life half spent

Could you forgive

my fickle heart

Could we repair

what we had

That was all we had

Could my soul

Stay sober for you

for you

What I lack

Is self control

for you

I spent weary days in dryness and rain

lacking any compass to navigate

We all take those adulterous treks

through the sand of our regrets

I am yours and you are loving a heart half spent

High Five

2009-06-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today

My boss gave me a high five after telling me good job working the folding machine. It was all I could do to keep from falling over and crying with mirth. We can never understand each other because English is not his first language. Luckily the high five transcends culture.

Snorkel

2009-06-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

Today

I was at the boys' house and the landlords came over to inspect and chat. Their 4-year-old son Benjamin was in Kyle's room with us, brandishing a snorkel at us and making gunshot noises. We were listening to Lakers on the radio. Kyle, in his wheelchair, slowly rolled after the little boy down the hall and into the entryway where I could see them through the window and open front door. It was like a really slow, really epic, really creepy chase scene.

I laughed so hard I almost cried.

Downtown Disney

2009-06-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

Today

Outside the confectionary at Downtown Disney, I watched a heavily tattooed couple push their baby in a stroller. They stopped right in front of us and the mom shoved a piece of pizza at the baby's mouth and kept lightly tapping him with it until he took a timid bite. Then they went on their way

Hummingbird

2009-06-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

Today

A hummingbird flew so close to my face that I could see its eyes and hear the motor of its tiny wings. Best day ever.

Bethany

2009-05-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight

Micah and Bethany=officially in a committed relationship.

I like her.

I like her a lot a lot.

Donut Dance

2009-03-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight was Dad's pre-birthday party.

Bethany came and brought him chocolate and best of all: waxy chocolate donuts. They commenced to do a little donut dance.